


Will You Love Me Tomorrow?

by Anonymous



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Homicide, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Infidelity, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, NHEV, No Happy Ending Fest, Panic Attacks, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:22:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29674842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Chanyeol is willing to turn a blind eye as Baekhyun cheats because he knows he'll never be able to give him children.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Ji Hyeran | Z.Hera, Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26
Collections: No Happy Ending Fest - 2020





	1. toska

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt #:** R4-055  
>  **Prompt:** A turns a blind eye when B cheats because A knows he'll never be able to give B children.  
>  **Pairing/Main Character(s):** Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol, Byun Baekhyun/Ji Hyeran, mentioned Byun Baekbeom/Park Chanyeol  
>  **Side Characters(if any):** none  
>  **Word Count:** 19.3k  
>  **Warning(s)/Additional Tag(s):**  
>  angst, infidelity, hallucinations/mental instability, blood, homicide, panic attack, suicide  
>  **Author's note:**  
>  i've been wanting to join nhe for a long time and i finally did ;__; this probably might not be as good as i wanted it to be but i hope you'll give it a chance :> also, english is not my first language and this fic is unbeta-ed so please excuse the grammatical errors hehe.
> 
> biggest thanks to the mods who have been very understanding with my extension request. thank you for your hard work! <3
> 
> if i missed any tags/content warning, please let me know! ^~^

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chanyeol doesn’t know how to mourn over the loss of something that is still his.

“Who are you texting?”

Chanyeol sees it again; that blinding smile that was once because of him.

His husband’s smile is his second favorite thing in the world, the first one being his husband himself. Maybe it was because Chanyeol was a little more in love with him than he should be, but seeing Baekhyun smile automatically makes everything better. 

It once became his everything—his husband’s smile, that is. Sometimes, it becomes a form of salvation for Chanyeol; knowing that he would go home to Baekhyun at the end of the day and will welcome him with the smile that makes his heart pound a hundred times faster was enough for him to endure every waking day even at the lowest points of his life. 

On other days, it becomes a form of validation. Chanyeol takes pride in being one of the reasons behind Baekhyun’s bright smile and twinkling eyes. How Baekhyun manages to outshine the blinding rays of the sun is something Chanyeol never understood, but knowing that he’s one of the reasons behind it made Chanyeol swear to protect it with his life.

At one point, it became Chanyeol’s purpose in life: to make Baekhyun happy.

And he did not disappoint himself. Chanyeol thinks he is doing a really, really great job at making sure that Baekhyun never loses the smile on his face as he’s now watching it being taken away from him right in front of his eyes.

It felt like being robbed—watching something you worked so hard to take care of being easily given to someone else who probably did not do anything to deserve it feels like a losing battle you weren’t even given the chance to fight for.

Somehow, Chanyeol hates it that he’s seeing it again; that bright smile that was once for him.

Baekhyun raises his head up from his phone when he hears his husband’s voice, the light from his phone illuminating his face making it clearer for Chanyeol to see the smile he once loved so much.

“You’re done showering already?” Baekhyun answers back with an obvious question, perhaps to dodge the topic at hand. Chanyeol feels a sting in his chest. “That fast?”

Chanyeol can only give him a weak smile. “I don’t know. Spending forty five minutes in the shower doesn’t seem fast to me.”

Before his husband could answer, Chanyeol was already raising the covers to lie beside Baekhyun on the bed.

“Who are you texting?” Chanyeol repeats as he places his head on his husband’s chest, words firmer than the last.

Baekhyun puts his phone away, ignoring the way it vibrates just as it touches the nightstand, then turns to fully embrace his husband in his arms. “No one.”

When Chanyeol feels a kiss being placed on the top of his head, he knows that he’s slowly losing Baekhyun.

It didn’t feel like it was for him.

“It’s her, isn’t it?” 

The question came out as a broken whisper, but Baekhyun seems to have heard it as the hug becomes tighter like he was assuring Chanyeol that there was nothing to worry about when they both know that there is something worth fearing of—as if the tightening grip Chanyeol has on his husband’s clothes isn’t any indication that there _is_ something wrong with their relationship.

Baekhyun pulls away to lift Chanyeol’s chin with his finger and make him meet his eyes. Suddenly, Chanyeol finds the answer he thought he has always been ready to know.

“Him.” Baekhyun corrects him as his face is inching closer to his husband’s, lips only a breath away from touching his own. The answer was far from the question; like it was supposed to be a statement of assurance, but Chanyeol doesn’t think Baekhyun knows that he _knows_ they’re referring to the same subject.

The gap between them disappears, but somehow, it only feels as though the gap grows even wider as the kiss deepens, leaving the bridges Chanyeol has worked hard to build to reach the side beyond Baekhyun’s walls burning as Baekhyun kisses him in a way he never did before. 

(Because it wasn’t for him—the kiss wasn’t for him.)

Even Baekhyun’s kisses have found their new home.

“ _His_ name is Park Chanyeol.”

Ah, his husband’s lies have always been divine. They manage to fool both of them to hope for another day.

Chanyeol isn’t quite sure if he would be able to cope up with the loss of a love that he doesn’t want to let go.

**✨✨✨**

Chanyeol knows it all started when Baekhyun comes home the next day with a bruise on his left cheekbone.

He remembers how he felt his heart drop the moment he set his eyes on his husband. Chanyeol quickly abandoned the paperwork on his desk and went to the latter’s side, gently guiding the limping Baekhyun to sit on the couch while he rushed to get the things needed to treat his husband’s wounds.

Baekhyun knows how to fight; between the two of them, it’s his husband who knows how to throw kicks and punches that can make anyone pass out in pain, but Baekhyun isn’t the type to start one. Baekhyun never resorted to violence even when needed and so the first time it happened, Chanyeol only guessed that the reason behind it must be something really significant.

“They were looking at Hyeran.”

And Chanyeol guessed right, the reason was significant. 

What he only didn’t know was that the reason would someday become more important than their marriage—even than Chanyeol himself.

Hyeran became the most important thing to Baekhyun; Chanyeol could only watch as he doesn’t know how to mourn over the loss of something that is still his.

“So what?” He answers back, blood boiling at the sight of his husband limping a while ago and the purple hues on his face.

Baekhyun seems to have been irked by his answer. 

“What do you mean _so what_?”

“What if they were only looking at her?” Sensing the shift in the atmosphere, Chanyeol tries to calm his husband down by changing the tone of his voice. “I don’t know… maybe they thought she was pretty.”

Baekhyun averted his gaze as if he just heard something ridiculous; Chanyeol doesn’t know what he was trying so hard for. 

“I’m not stupid, Yeol.”

“Really?” Chanyeol is slowly losing hold of his temper. “Coming home with blood on your face and probably a broken bone just because people are looking at someone doesn’t sound stupid to you?”

Chanyeol knows he was overreacting; the bleeding on Baekhyun’s face was just because of the tiny cut in his upper lip, but he thinks that the bruises and the limping are enough reasons for him to feel mad.

Isn’t it normal to feel that way for a husband? 

Chanyeol couldn’t understand why it felt like he was the one at fault for just simply worrying.

“No.” Baekhyun replies through gritted teeth and really, Chanyeol doesn’t understand why his husband is trying so hard. “Besides, you would’ve done the same.”

“No,” He says it in the same way Baekhyun did. “because I wouldn’t want you to worry.”

At his husband’s lack of answer, Chanyeol realized why being so caught up with the issue angers him.

Baekhyun was busy worrying about another person while his husband was busy worrying about him.

“You were never like this, Baek. I never saw you looking like this.” Chanyeol shakes his head, jealousy and disappointment suddenly swallowing him whole and somehow, Baekhyun’s silence only manages to make it worse. “You thought about her feelings first than mine, huh?”

“Chanyeol, stop being so immature!”

He was taken aback by the answer. 

They have known each other for years, yet it was the first time Baekhyun shouted at him.

And all because of a girl that wasn’t even anything more to him than a friend—a colleague he met at work?

“Not everything is about you.” Baekhyun speaks again after that, seemingly forgetting that he was a husband first before he was a friend to his workmate. “Not everything is about our relationship. It was an emergency!”

Chanyeol feels a sting in his chest. Maybe he is really being immature this time, but he used to be Baekhyun’s top priority.

What is happening to them?

“Emergency? Oh please.” Chanyeol retorts. “Did they act on it? Did they start to catcall? Or did you just mindlessly throw yourself into a fight just because it was Hyeran?”

Chanyeol wishes so hard that he isn’t right—that everything he mentioned did happen, but then, silence was the only thing he received from Baekhyun. 

How he wished it wasn’t enough of an answer.

“You can’t even defend yourself.”

The look of confusion on Baekhyun’s face somehow feels offensive. 

“What are you trying to imply?”

Chanyeol was too hurt to answer properly. “Why? What was the first thought that came to your mind?”

Baekhyun’s silence was really deafening; the moment Chanyeol realized this was during the time he badly needed his husband to speak to chase the voices in his head away. And now, Baekhyun is doing it again.

He has no idea what to call this thing that his husband is doing to him.

As Chanyeol was about to turn and walk away, he heard his husband whisper.

“Nothing.”

The lack of confidence in Baekhyun’s voice whenever he defends himself left a scar in Chanyeol’s heart, yet at the same time, it was one of the things that kept him going despite the mess they’re slowly becoming as it was proof that Baekhyun is trying.

Pathetic, grasping onto a thin thread that has probably long snapped.

Yet Chanyeol refuses to believe that he isn’t the other end of Baekhyun’s string anymore.

“Whatever you’re thinking of,” Chanyeol says as he picks up the forgotten kit on the table, not meeting his husband’s eyes. “You are probably right.”

Chanyeol wishes this time that his husband isn’t right.

He answers his husband for the last time before walking away. 

“I’m sorry.”

How he badly wishes Baekhyun told him he was wrong instead.

“I don’t need you to be.”

Chanyeol sleeps in a different room that night despite hearing Baekhyun’s pleas on the other side of the door. His husband tells him that he shouldn’t sleep with a heavy heart. Baekhyun reminds him of the promise they made that they wouldn’t ignore each other when fighting and still sleep in the same bed even during arguments. He begs Chanyeol to come back to him.

He wanted to laugh at that; he should be the one saying that to Baekhyun because they both know what will happen if he continues his friendship with Hyeran.

Baekhyun might still be unaware of it, but he knows that his husband could feel himself straying away from Chanyeol.

Ah, that wasn’t the first time Chanyeol has acknowledged the elephant in the room, but somehow, it’s still as painful as the first time.

He chooses to escape the harsh reality he is in and spends the whole night reliving their memories in his mind, gripping a little tighter on the wedding ring in his finger as if the man wearing the other pair will feel it as well. It’s a false sense of assurance after all, seeing Baekhyun still wearing his ring—still letting people know that he’s taken.

Baekhyun enters the room a few hours after, probably assuming that his husband is already asleep, and quietly walks towards the man on the bed to place a kiss on his forehead— nothing more than an apology, Chanyeol is sure of that because that isn’t how his husband’s kisses used to feel like.

That’s not how his husband used to be like.

That night, Chanyeol ignores his husband’s request and sleeps with a heavy heart.


	2. forelsket

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eight years ago, Chanyeol was so sure that Baekhyun will be his home.

Chanyeol met Baekhyun on a bus after a particularly long day eight years ago.

The memory is still clear in his mind. He remembers quickly slumping down on his seat with his head hung low as soon as he entered the bus to prevent having eye contact with the students around him because he knew they were all staring at him. 

It wasn’t new to him; It wasn’t the first time it happened that day, but that didn’t mean Chanyeol could get used to the disgusted stares being thrown his way just because it will be a part of his life now.

If it was a more tolerable day, Chanyeol would have handled it well. He would've entered the bus with his chin up and eyes bored as he pretends that every single person around him doesn’t exist like he always does. But then, that day wasn’t exactly a good day for Chanyeol—it wasn’t even near okay.

Chanyeol almost lost everything that day. His scholarship, his part-time job, his dignity…

“My legs hurt.”

“There’s an empty seat beside Park.”

“I’d rather cut my legs off.”

He snickers at the supposedly whispered conversation behind him, mentally laughing at how the girl chooses to stand until her stop than to sit beside him just because he is Park Chanyeol. 

Oh well, he doesn’t really care anyway. That also meant more space for him to place his bag on.

Just as he was about to put his backpack down, someone walked towards his seat, snatching Chanyeol’s bag from his hands and placing it on his lap instead. The stranger smiles at him as if what he did was normal.

“I believe you didn’t pay for this seat.”

Furrowing his brows, Chanyeol yanks his bag away from the stranger, stuttering as he answers because it was the first time someone from the same university as him (he assumed as they wear the same lanyard) is actually talking to him since yesterday.

“So—so what? The seat is empty.” 

Chanyeol averts his gaze when the man only stares at him. Only a day has passed and he isn’t used to being looked at anymore—at least not with contempt. 

“Go sit somewhere else, unless you want to be the center of attention too.”

The stranger tilts his head in confusion, then he looks around and sees people staring at them while whispering to each other.

Chanyeol’s pretty sure the man also heard the comment about him being Chanyeol’s “new target”.

The man looks at him again and asks, “Do they know you?”

Chanyeol nods. Of course they know him, he’s convinced that everyone in the university knows him by now (except maybe this man he’s talking to), because why else would they be talking about him if they don’t?

The stranger shakes his head and asks again, “No, I mean, do they _know_ you? Do you know them personally? Are you friends with all of them?”

He blinks at the man for a second, then finds himself slowly shaking his head. “Of course not. Do I look like I have friends to you?”

“Then why give a shit about what they think and do?”

What…?

The man smiles at him, surprisingly not laughing at his face as Chanyeol knows full well that he now looks like a gaping fish because of the unexpected question. 

“Weren’t you ever told not to listen to strangers when you were young?” 

The man looks around again and smiles at everyone who meets his eyes, then Chanyeol sees some of them getting red from the embarrassment of being caught, and some for an entirely different reason as they suddenly smile like lovestruck high school girls.

Chanyeol sneers in disbelief at those who just had a hundred and eighty degree turn of personality. 

Really? They have the audacity to blush after making assumptions at the man just because he sat beside him?

Also, who is this man?

“Excuse me, but you’re a stranger to me too.” Chanyeol says after realizing he hasn't answered yet. “And what just happened?”

“Then don’t listen to what I say either.” The stranger shrugs at him with a coy smile on his face. “Also, that was just my charm doing its job.”

“Y-your what—”

Chanyeol doesn’t get to finish his sentence as he laughs. The conceitedness of this man is unbelievably not annoying. He hated those who are always so full of themselves because they are usually the ones who are just their appearance and nothing more, and they aren’t even perfect in that department (the louder they boast about their face, the uglier they are). 

But with the man beside him, Chanyeol finds himself laughing loudly, and the stranger’s kicked-puppy expression only makes it harder for Chanyeol to stop.

The man pouts at him as Chanyeol calms down. “Why? My charms don’t work on you?”

Chanyeol lets himself stare at the stranger’s face for a minute, slowly realizing that he is indeed charming—managing to look both cute and handsome at the same time. Maybe he now understands the unnecessary blushing and giggling from earlier. “It’s—”

“Can’t believe he has the face to laugh after his scandal.”

His mouth closes shut quickly after hearing the _whispered_ comment, eyes automatically looking down on his lap as humiliation swallows him whole. They were right, how can he even laugh at his situation?

Suddenly, there’s an earphone being placed on his right ear and he looks at the man beside him putting the other pair in his left.

“You’re not supposed to drown in their words,” the stranger says with his eyes closed, head leaning back against the seat. “You’re supposed to drown their words out.”

Chanyeol almost cried at that.

It was an unfamiliar feeling; the calm, the comfort, the untold promise of protection from the man. It has been so long since he’s felt safe around someone other than _him_ that he doesn’t even think he deserves to feel it anymore.

He closes his eyes and lets the calming melody envelop his senses. Finally, he could take a break without having to listen to the voices in his head just because he thinks he deserves the torture.

Finally, he could let his heart break without questioning if he even deserves to grieve.

  
  
  


**✨✨✨**

  
  


“Shit, dude, don’t do that!”

Chanyeol had just been steps away from the bus when he suddenly feels a hand on his back, then he turns around to see Earphone Ahjussi (it was a nickname he mentally gave the man beside him earlier because he lent him his other pair of earphone and he talks like an old man) with a rather annoyed look on his face. The man steps back, realizing that he was too close to Chanyeol and hands him something with his closed fist.

“Sorry, I had to remove that.” The man answers with his tone flat as if he didn’t make Chanyeol laugh with his antics hours ago.

Chanyeol reaches his hand and feels a sticky note in his palm.

_Whore._

Even with the fact that he had been walking around with this note on his back, Chanyeol couldn’t help the tiny smile playing on his lips as he looked at the stranger’s expression.

He was clearly bothered by the note. He doesn’t even know Chanyeol personally to be this concerned.

Ah, it has been so, _so_ long since he’s felt someone sincerely cared for him. And to feel it from a stranger, Chanyeol doesn’t know how he'd react to that.

“You—you didn’t have to.” 

He had a lot to ask. He wanted to ask if he doesn’t really know him, or why he chose to sit beside him in the bus despite the side comments and the judging stares, or why he was so kind enough to calm Chanyeol down throughout the whole ride and even follow him to remove the note on his back, or just…

Why is he so kind to him?

“Thank you so much…?” Chanyeol stalls and raises a brow at him, hoping the other would get the gesture because he was too shy to ask basic questions like this.

“Baekhyun.” The man smiles this time. “My name is Baekhyun. And you?”

Baekhyun. A name he’s familiar with yet not entirely. Maybe he’s from a department far from his, which should explain why he doesn’t seem to know Chanyeol.

“Park Chanyeol.” He answers, mirroring the other’s smile. “I’m glad you don’t know me. I feel like I could finally breathe.”

Baekhyun chuckles. “Am I supposed to know you? Are you a celebrity of some sort?”

Chanyeol looks down on the crumpled paper in his hand. 

“No…”

No, he isn’t anything near that, and Chanyeol unconsciously releases a shaky breath he didn’t know he was holding because really, he could sincerely feel like he could finally breathe, even just for a moment.

It was as if he was given a second chance to start anew; to introduce himself to another person who wouldn’t judge him based solely on the stories surrounding him.

Baekhyun lightly taps him on his shoulder. “Why are you crying?”

“Huh?”

Chanyeol reaches up to feel his right cheek slightly wet. He didn’t even notice he was crying—he didn’t know he still has tears left to cry.

“I don’t know.” Chanyeol breaks down and sobs like a five-year old. “I-I’m sorry. I must look ridiculous to you. A person crying in front of someone he just met.”

Baekhyun laughs, and he’s thankful that it didn’t sound like he was mocking him.

“It’s alright. You know what they say,” Baekhyun lowers his head to playfully peek at Chanyeol who has his head hung low. “A stranger wouldn’t judge you because he literally doesn’t know you or something, so if you want to let it all out, I’m free to grab some drinks tonight.”

It was Chanyeol’s turn to laugh this time. “I’m a broke college student, are you fine with just soju?”

Baekhyun smiles brightly that for a second, Chanyeol finds himself getting lost in the sparkle within those eyes.

Ah, maybe this is why he cried all of a sudden. His darkness seems to be wanting to see some light and there it is, standing right in front of him in the form of a soft voice and a gentle smile and Chanyeol wonders if he even deserves to feel this comfort.

Then Chanyeol ponders, again, for a split second, if he’s supposed to feel all of this for someone he literally just met.

The guy is charming indeed.

“Add Yakult and Sprite to that then it’s the best drink you’ve ever had.”

Chanyeol blinks in horror. “What?”

“Don’t tell me you haven’t tried that yet?”

“No, ew.”

Baekhyun hooks a hand on his arm. “Okay, it’s time to add another color to your rainbow!”

  
  
  


**✨✨✨**

  
  
  


The walk to the convenience store was unexpectedly… lively. Considering that Chanyeol doesn’t really talk that much (today is the only day he’s talked this much for the whole week, thanks to his new friend), he is genuinely surprised how Baekhyun managed to make buying snacks and alcohol fun. Chanyeol wishes he was also gifted with the wit the other has.

“Welcome to my humble abode.”

Baekhyun snorts at the statement after removing his shoes and quickly making himself welcome in the apartment. “You speak like an old man, do you also add melodies in your words sometimes like a grandpa waking up in the morning?”

Chanyeol finds himself staring at Baekhyun with his mouth open as the latter goes to his kitchen like he owns the place.

“Wow, a good talker and a rude asshole.” Chanyeol slowly claps his hands in pure amazement because this is the first time he’s heard a supposedly insulting comment that is actually not offensive. “How multitalented.”

“Thanks, got it from my mom.”

“Huh?”

The other man looks at him and laughs, spinning a bottle of alcohol in one hand. “Except for the latter part, of course. Do you have a pitcher?”

“Yeah, it’s inside the microwave.”

Baekhyun blinks at him. “...why?”

“Can’t think of anywhere else to keep it in.”

“You have a microwave oven but can’t afford to buy a cupboard.”

Chanyeol shrugs at that and walks towards the oven. “It was my ex-flatmate’s. He left it with me because it doesn’t work anymore. Here.”

Baekhyun takes the container from his hand, nodding as he prepares the drink. “Hm. Why did they move out?”

Chanyeol unconsciously looks away from Baekhyun at the question. Should he tell him? Should he tell him that his flatmate moved out because he didn’t want to be associated with Chanyeol after the issue broke out? 

Can he tell him that? Wouldn’t Baekhyun walk out on him too if he knew?

“Ah… He lives with his girlfriend now.” A straight-up lie. It wouldn’t affect Baekhyun anyway.

“Ooh,” Baekhyun seems to buy it, more focused on mixing everything they bought than his flatmate’s story as he absentmindedly replies. “Must be nice.”

Yeah, he thinks it must be nice too. Having someone you can call your home.

At the back of his mind, Chanyeol briefly wonders if the arms of the man that had held him for years was truly his home—if he truly ever had someone he can call his home—because Chanyeol feels so, _so_ lost now. 

He doesn’t know where to go from here.

He didn’t speak after that, deciding to just watch Baekhyun mix everything they’ve bought inside the container instead. He winces as Baekhyun stirs the mixture with a spoon. 

What in the world would that taste like?

“You look like you want to ask something.” Baekhyun laughs at him before heading straight to the living room with the drink in his hand as if he owns the place. 

Baekhyun was right. He has a lot of questions running in his mind, each of them clawing out of his chest begging to be answered, yet they weren’t for the man standing in front of him who’s currently pouring him a drink in a plastic cup.

But Chanyeol was desperate, and Baekhyun is the only person he has right now. 

He downs the drink in one go, swatting Baekhyun’s hand away when the latter attempts to slow him down.

“Hey, calm down dude, we have the whole night—”

“More.” He pushes the cup against Baekhyun’s chest. “I don’t want to be sober the whole night.”

Baekhyun’s eyes held a certain feeling of warmth and security as he looked at Chanyeol; he seemed to have understood. And with that, he couldn’t keep himself from asking.

“Why are you so nice to me?” Chanyeol angrily wipes the tears threatening to fall from his eyes with the back of his hand. “I’m just this sad loser who’s about to ruin the night.”

The alcohol hasn’t kicked in his system yet but Chanyeol doesn’t know why he’s already on the verge of breaking down in front of a person he literally just met.

He suddenly finds the answer when Baekhyun responds.

“You’re not. You are more than the sadness in your eyes.” 

Baekhyun smiles. 

It’s a wonderful sight.

“Your pain might be heavy. I can’t take it away, but let me carry it for you tonight, hm?”

And so he lets him. 

Chanyeol tells him everything about the sadness in his eyes.

He tells Baekhyun about the mess he’s gotten himself into; the reason why he was treated like he had a contagious disease in the bus, the story behind the word written on the sticky note which was the reason why Baekhyun is currently sitting on his apartment floor, he tells Baekhyun everything he’s keeping himself from acknowledging because Chanyeol doesn’t think he deserves to feel like this when he knows the possible consequences in the first place.

Baekhyun, in return, tells him that it’s alright to feel—that Chanyeol has the right to regret and be angry at his decisions despite being aware that they weren’t probably going to be the best choice while making it. 

Baekhyun tells him that it is sometimes okay to think with his heart.

“But maybe you should’ve thought this situation through with your brain instead.”

Chanyeol was in awe at how Baekhyun can quickly make his heart feel light despite making him talk about the things he couldn’t even admit to himself.

He smacks his palm against Baekhyun’s forehead. “I know that now, genius.”

“So let me get this straight.” Baekhyun clears his throat as he blinks in an attempt to keep his vision straight. For someone who offered to get wasted tonight, Chanyeol deems that this guy couldn’t handle alcohol that well.

“You’re in a two-year relationship with one of your professors who broke up with you via text because he apparently is getting married in a week and—” Baekhyun pauses, stifling a laugh which earned him a glare from Chanyeol. “—then you caused a scene in the faculty because you looked for him with tears and snot on your pretty face.”

Chanyeol’s frown deepens at the last comment. Did he really have to put it like that?

“And you’re a scholar—I mean, at least until yesterday since the admins found out. You were willing to risk it all for an old hag, huh.”

He playfully throws an empty cup at Baekhyun’s face. “What a sharp tongue you have there.”

“I can tone it down for you, but I won’t.”

“Asshole.”

The other laughs at that and Chanyeol thinks that the red at the tip of his ears is adorable.

“That actually sounds like a compliment coming from you, seeing that assholes seem to be your type.” Seeing Chanyeol get flustered at the comment, Baekhyun adds. “Who is he, by the way? Maybe I’m enrolled under his subjects too.”

“Doubt it.” Chanyeol shakes his head. “You’re not a familiar face. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you around uni.”

“Which department are you from?”

“SBA. Finance.”

Baekhyun clicks his tongue, nodding in agreement. “Yeah. I never went near your building because my brother teaches there. I’m already sick of seeing his face at home—and we don’t really get along well.”

“That must feel suffocating.” Chanyeol says after a hiccup, starting to feel lightheaded from the drink. “What’s his name?”

“Byun Baekbeom.”

Chanyeol accidentally drops the plastic cup in his hand at the mention of _his_ name.

“Hey! You’re spilling all o—” Baekhyun was cut off at the sight of Chanyeol’s trembling hands. It takes a few seconds before he realizes what was happening.

“Chanyeol— Is he— “

“I-I’m sorry, Baekhyun.” Chanyeol stutters out as he weakly stands on his feet, pulling Baekhyun up with him and unconsciously pushes him forcefully towards the exit. “You have to go.”

“Wait—Yeol—”

“Goodbye, Baekhyun.”

He shuts the door at Baekhyun’s face a little too hard than intended, but Chanyeol is not in the mood to care about other people’s feelings right now as it all comes back to him with just the mere mention of his name. The universe really is playing games with him, isn’t it? Those above were probably laughing at how pathetic he looks right now, crying his heart out over a love he thought was true—at the man’s brother himself at that.

Chanyeol leans his back against the door and slowly lets himself fall down the floor as Baekhyun’s fist pounds on the other side. He was probably too harsh; Baekhyun has been nothing but kind to him ever since they met, but Chanyeol couldn’t find it in himself to care.

It felt like being betrayed all over again. He probably shouldn’t be feeling like this because it was obvious that Baekhyun knew nothing about Chanyeol’s affair with his brother. Hell, Baekhyun is probably as shocked as he is after accidentally finding out that his brother is cheating on his fiancee, but Chanyeol can’t force himself to think straight and be rational—at least not now.

Baekhyun taught him that it is sometimes okay to think with his heart. Maybe he’s allowed to just feel for now, right? 

Maybe he’s allowed to think only of himself for now because he now realizes that he hasn’t done that for years, always putting Baekbeom’s needs first before his own because seeing the other man happy makes him happy too that he forgets that he shouldn’t depend his happiness on other people because now he’s gone, and Chanyeol doesn’t know what to do anymore.

He knows he’ll get through this—of course he will. Maybe in seven months, more or less, none of these would even matter anymore. But he doesn’t want to invalidate the pain he’s feeling now just because it will get better soon.

That night, Chanyeol lets himself grieve. For the love lost, for the friends lost, for the scholarship he worked so hard to maintain that went down the drain, for his part-time job, for everything he has lost as he closes this chapter in his life.

He still doesn’t know how he’ll pick himself up tomorrow, but strangely enough, he doesn’t feel alone.

“I’ll go now, okay?” 

Baekhyun speaks from the other side of the door, and Chanyeol looks at his wall clock and sees that it has been two hours since he kicked the other man out of his apartment yet Baekhyun is still there. 

Chanyeol realizes that he doesn’t feel alone because Baekhyun never left.

“Talk to me tomorrow. You’ll find me, don’t worry.”

And maybe, Baekhyun is here to stay with him from now on.

  
  


**✨✨✨**

  
  


True to Baekhyun’s words, he finds Baekhyun the next day in the most unexpected way.

Chanyeol hears him before he sees him. He was on his way to his first subject when he saw the classroom door blocked with students that were seemingly trying to look inside through the small glass window. Normally, Chanyeol wouldn’t bother to check the commotion because they’re usually fist fights between students who either fight over grades or a person.

But then, he hears the voice that brought comfort to his restless soul not too long ago. 

“And you call yourself a teacher? You don’t even deserve half the respect your students give you.”

As he hears the sound of a fist hitting a jaw after the remark, Chanyeol squeezes himself in past the students, not bothering to even look back at those who started throwing insults at him again. He was used to that. He’s lived through having insults for breakfast ever since he was young.

What he’s not used to, however, is to have someone standing up for him with closed fists and disgust in their eyes that are not directed to him.

“Baek—”

Both men turn their heads towards Chanyeol, one wearing a shocked expression on his face as if he’s not expecting Chanyeol to be there and the other one seemingly looking like he’s hoping it was his name Chanyeol is supposed to utter.

“Baekhyun…” 

And so Chanyeol calls him then, because he is done calling out for someone who only wants to keep him a secret. 

“Are you okay?”

Baekhyun looks relieved; Chanyeol’s heart skips at the fact that he actually wants his attention.

“Of course.” Baekhyun smiles as if he is saying that Chanyeol will be okay. “How could I not be after punching a cheater in the face?”

Gasps were heard outside the room, probably thinking that a student dares to accuse one of the nicest professors of cheating and not the truth that was just revealed, but Chanyeol couldn’t care less. 

He doesn’t care about what others think anymore. He doesn’t care about what Baekbeom will think of him anymore. He doesn’t care about what will happen after all of this.

All Chanyeol could ever think about now is the man who wanted him to call his name.

“Let’s go?”

He nods and lets Baekhyun pull him out of the room despite his class under his ex that should’ve started minutes ago.

“Okay.”

For a second, Chanyeol thinks that maybe, the hand he’s holding in his right now will someday hold his heart in his palm.

  
  


**✨✨✨**

  
  


The fleeting thought of Baekhyun managing to steal his heart became a reality a year and a half later.

After the mess they’ve gotten into, they became inseparable and Chanyeol couldn’t be more thankful for that. 

Chanyeol isn’t actually an insecure person. He may have questioned his worth a few times during the time he knew he was being cheated on— and being the second lover, at that— yet at the end of the day, he still knows his worth. He knows that it wasn’t his fault and that he was just a victim as much as the fiancee was. 

He knows it in his heart that he didn’t deserve even half the bullshit he was put through. But if he were to be honest with himself, he can’t help but question if he deserves Baekhyun.

To have Baekhyun in his life is one thing, but to have him by his side throughout the whole time he was trying to pull himself back up again? Chanyeol occasionally thinks that maybe he was blessed a little too much.

It was Baekhyun who helped him stand on his feet again; the man helped him with everything. From transferring to another university to finding a new job, Baekhyun was there to guide him despite being only a few months older than him and probably not having more experiences in adulting than Chanyeol. 

He was grateful nonetheless, because Chanyeol didn’t need someone to follow. He needed someone to be with. A companion. A friend.

Until he started seeing Baekhyun as more than just that.

Chanyeol snorts at that. It was predictable, really. How could he not fall for Baekhyun? The whole time he was healing, Chanyeol was just trying to mend his broken pieces back together to become whole again, but Baekhyun made him _grow_.

It was Baekhyun who taught him that healing isn’t linear. Chanyeol was so confident that he would get over it easily because he’s not the type to lose himself over anything, and so when the pain lingers longer than it should at some days, he doesn't know what to do, scared that he might still be stuck in the past.

But it is Baekhyun who tells him that it’s okay. That it’s okay to be angry while healing. That it’s okay to still feel hurt at the things you didn’t deserve to go through. That he is making progress even when he backslides and that even the strongest people have their bad days too.

It is Baekhyun who reminds him that all of his feelings are valid and Chanyeol starts catching feelings for him because of that.

He wanted to be like that to Baekhyun too; he probably doesn’t need it, but he wanted to be someone Baekhyun could lean on while pulling himself back on his feet.

Chanyeol should have seen it coming, but the impact still feels heavy to him every time he admits it to himself. 

(Maybe because he is only falling harder every single time.)

“What are you thinking of?”

They’re in Chanyeol's apartment again, on the floor with a glass of alcohol in their hands just like the day they met except they are now the closest of friends and Chanyeol is not crying his heart out anymore. Baekhyun sits beside him after asking, coming back from the kitchen with a new bag of chips.

Chanyeol turns his head to look at his now best friend without answering his question.

Maybe it’s the alcohol talking, or maybe it’s the way the glow of the moonlight from the apartment window hits Baekhyun’s face from this angle, but he looked so handsome tonight in Chanyeol’s eyes. Beautiful, even.

 _You_ , is what Chanyeol wants to say, but he doesn’t want to make Baekhyun uncomfortable around him. He’s not sure of what the other’s reaction would be when he finds out, and Chanyeol doesn’t want to know.

He’s not willing to take the risk, and Chanyeol doesn’t know if he’ll ever be because he doesn’t want to lose someone in his life anymore.

“You know, when I was in high school, one of the sisters at the orphanage who I considered my mother wanted me to settle down at twenty-five.” Chanyeol speaks a minute after thinking of a possible topic. “They told me that everyone should have found their path in life at that age. And that I should too.”

Chanyeol takes a sip from his cup before continuing. “But one of them says it’s just because the eldest among them wanted to have a “grandchild” from me before she goes.”

Baekhyun laughs. “That’s rude. What did you say then?”

He wouldn’t deny that he felt a little disappointed that the possibility of him settling down with someone in two years didn’t seem to bother Baekhyun, but then, it’s not like his feelings are reciprocated.

Baekhyun isn’t even aware of it yet. Hopefully.

“That I’m gay.” Chanyeol chuckles when Baekhyun chokes on his drink. “Easy there. Fortunately, no one in there is homophobic, they really just wanted me to have a family of my own.” He sighs. “And a kid. Especially a kid. They really pushed the idea of adoption as if I didn't know it existed.”

This time, he finally caught Baekhyun’s full attention. “You don’t seem to like that, huh? Don’t want a kid someday?”

Chanyeol doesn’t even know the answer to that.

“It’s... complicated.”

It isn’t like he hates the idea of having a child someday. Back then, Chanyeol even thought it would be wonderful, loving someone unconditionally from the day they were born until the day you die. 

But that was before he discovered that he is not into women.

Baekhyun started munching on his chips again, still all ears. “How?”

Chanyeol isn’t exactly the kindest person in the world, for the lack of a better term. The idea of spending money and effort on a child that is not his own blood doesn’t sit well with him. 

He believes this is because of the stories he has heard back in the orphanage, but how can they blame him? Just imagining the child rebelling after knowing they were adopted… 

He knows that it isn’t the case for everyone, but Chanyeol just doesn’t think he has the energy to deal with that.

Ah, this is probably why he was never chosen. He is a hypocrite.

“I don’t want to take care of a child that’s not mine.” He answers, preparing himself for whatever Baekhyun’s reaction will be because that’s not something a person with conscience would say. “And I’ll never have a biological child because I can’t even fucking kiss a girl without being disgusted.”

Surprisingly, Baekhyun nods at him. “Kind of selfish coming from someone who should be more understanding regarding that matter, but truly understandable.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Sounds like something that an asshole would say, but you have your reasons. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with putting yourself first.”

He stares at Baekhyun as the latter fills his mouth with chips by placing the opening of the bag directly on his mouth, head tilted upwards to pour the content down. Chanyeol doesn’t know what to think of the scene in front of him, but somehow, it feels… intimate. 

They weren’t doing anything special; they were just eating chips and drinking alcohol like they always do at the end of every month like some kind of tradition. Nothing is near romantic at all, and so Chanyeol wonders what it is that makes his heart beat a little more faster tonight.

Perhaps it’s because they are talking about settling down and he wants to know Baekhyun’s plans for his future too.

“How about you?” He asks, heart drumming against his chest. “Want your own family someday?”

Or maybe, it’s because Chanyeol wants to be a part of Baekhyun’s future just like he is a part of his—he wants to be Baekhyun’s future.

Baekhyun grins at his question, staring at nothing in particular with a far-fetched expression on his face. He notices that Baekhyun looks so happy as he thinks of it; he looks like he has solid plans for his future already. Chanyeol feels his heart drop for a second. 

Because they are not talking about future careers and goals—they are specifically talking about having a family. 

The realization makes him feel even more agitated.

“Hmm.” Baekhyun jokingly taps a finger on his chin and he almost wants to punch him in the face for not taking this seriously while Chanyeol’s heartbeat is almost ringing in his own ears. “A family… yes, of course, that would be nice...”

He looks dreamy; it was the first time Chanyeol didn’t like the smile on his face. 

“But I’m only having kids when we’re financially stable, and we will be because I’ll make sure we’ll have a roof above our heads. Doesn’t matter if the kids are adopted or we’ll hire a surrogate ‘cause you know, I’m gay too.” 

Baekhyun laughs and there was almost hope blooming in Chanyeol’s chest but then the former adds. “I would really, really love to have children.”

He raises a brow despite the slight sting in his eyes. “Why does that sound like wishful thinking?”

“Because the future father of my children doesn’t seem to want them.”

Chanyeol can almost hear his heart breaking as it soars.

“Is… is that me?”

Looking as composed as he always is, Baekhyun takes Chanyeol’s shaking hands in his own, squeezing too tightly for it to be considered romantic but Chanyeol doesn’t mind—he doesn’t even care about the grease and powder from the chips on the thumb that is drawing circles at the back of his hand because the gleam on Baekhyun’s eyes says otherwise.

Baekhyun looks like he is a little bit in love with him.

“Yes.” Baekhyun responds in a shaky breath, not matching the confident look on his face. “Unless you want to have kids now—that would still be you.”

Chanyeol doesn’t know what got into him but he’s suddenly leaning in, pulling his hands from Baekhyun’s hold to place them on either side of the other’s cheeks instead as he closes the gap between them because he’s not good with words like Baekhyun. He can’t give him a confession as cool as that that will make his ears red and tummy feeling funny like what his words did with Chanyeol but he hopes that this conveys the things he wants to say.

He hopes that Baekhyun could read everything Chanyeol feels right now on his salted chips and alcohol flavored lips because his mind is a mess that he didn’t even have the chance to feel each and every one of them as they immediately consumed him whole; the fear of Baekhyun being in love with someone else, the relief that came quickly after knowing that he feels the same way as Chanyeol, the disappointment towards himself as Baekhyun only wanted one thing and it’s something he couldn’t give, the want to make this—them—happen…

Chanyeol pulls away after realizing that Baekhyun still needed his words, but seeing Baekhyun looking dazed with his mouth slightly open makes his mind blank again and all he could think of is the beautiful man in front of him who claims to be his future husband.

“What—”

Baekhyun blinks at him, eyes still unfocused and Chanyeol is slowly feeling the embarrassment creeping up his cheeks, courage completely gone as he comes down from the high of adrenaline.

“—what was t-that?”

The sight is something he could get used to seeing; Chanyeol finds his answer again.

“A promise.” 

It’s Chanyeol who takes Baekhyun’s hand this time, making a circle with his thumb and index finger, then he takes the latter’s ring finger and pushes it in through the hole. 

“To be your husband, because I can’t afford a ring yet. It’d have to follow a little late though, deal with it.”

Baekhyun laughs loudly at his face that it was almost offensive.

“That’s a ring? I—” He chokes on a laugh and Chanyeol knows he’s about to get teased. “I now have a finger inside your hole, only seconds after our first kiss.”

“Keep on being a little shit and you won’t be getting anywhere near it in the future.”

Baekhyun does a zipping motion on his lips. “Noted.” He wiggles his eyebrows at Chanyeol. “Or it could be the other way ‘round. I don’t mind.”

Chanyeol covers his face with his palms because Baekhyun never teased him like this. He sighs internally in relief. They are really past the friend-zone now, aren’t they?

“Oh my god Baekhyun, it’s only been seconds after our first kiss.”

“You started it.”

“You suck.”

“Only when you want me to. With verbal consent.”

No one spoke after that. Chanyeol was too busy calming his fast-beating heart down while the other man coos at the red tinting his ears down to his neck. This is a side of Baekhyun he’s seeing for the first time, and Chanyeol doesn’t mind one bit.

He can get used to this—he wants to.

After a few minutes of silence, Baekhyun calls his name.

“Chanyeol…” 

Ah, he likes the way his name rolls off the other’s tongue now. It’s… gentle; almost sounding like that of a baby talk.

Baekhyun really is his boyfriend now, right?

“I want you to know that I’m not pressuring you into anything, okay? We don’t know what’s gonna happen to us in the future—if we’ll even end up together.” Baekhyun seems careful over choosing his words, but Chanyeol thinks he doesn’t have to worry about it being offensive just yet. It was only natural since they were talking about marriage while back. “So I just want you to think of us now, hm?”

This is one thing Chanyeol doesn’t want to see again. He wants Baekhyun to be comfortable with him from now on. Whether it’s a reminder like this or an open expression of his feelings, he doesn’t want to hear Baekhyun again like he’s walking on eggshells.

Chanyeol takes his hand. They’ve been doing this a lot tonight, holding hands. His heart leaps at the thought that they’ll be doing more of this in the days to come too.

“I know, I know.”

Yet something within Baekhyun’s eyes tells him that his words were a call for assurance— that he wants this to work just as much as Chanyeol does but he’s not sure where the lines lie.

“But I know we’re going to end up marrying each other too.”

And so Chanyeol tells him he is sure that someday, he will be his home.


	3. saudade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chanyeol regrets not letting go of Baekhyun after losing him.

“I think you should go home. It’s getting late.”

Baekhyun quickly runs a hand through his hair in an attempt to look neat and pulls on his dress shirt to straighten it out. He smiles at the newcomer and shakes his head, then proceeds to work on his laptop again.

“Maybe later, Hyeran.” He replies, eyes still focused on the screen. “I still have to finish this.”

The woman takes the seat in front of his office desk, looking rather unamused with the way her hands are crossed over her chest.

“You can play solitaire at home, Baek.”

He sighs, closing his laptop screen and reaching out for his phone instead, staring at the green blinking light on top of the screen indicating he has unread messages and probably unanswered calls. Baekhyun unlocks his phone and sees that they were indeed from his husband just as he has guessed.

Hyeran watches him as he turns his phone off and places it back on his desk again.

“Let me guess, you had a fight with your husband again?”

Baekhyun stares at the ring on his finger as his mind wanders back to the argument they had last night. He still doesn’t understand what made Chanyeol so angry about it. He saved a friend from being potentially harassed, and it wasn’t like he went home with serious injuries in his body, so why is Chanyeol making a big deal out of it?

He understands that his husband is just concerned and got mad out of worry. But must they really argue about it?

Actually, he’s rephrasing his question: why is Chanyeol making a big deal out of everything that involves Hyeran?

It was not the first time his husband implied something that he never considered doing.

Baekhyun has been told that he is a little on the extroversion side of the spectrum, and he agrees to it as well because he likes making friends everywhere. After all, being friendly is one of the reasons why he became close with Chanyeol back in the day; he was the one who made the first move.

And so Baekhyun can’t seem to understand no matter how he tries why his husband is doubting his friends at work.

He admits that at first, it was cute. Seeing Chanyeol jealous, although he never intended to make him feel so, is a sight he enjoys seeing before because the other man becomes all soft and clingy and it’s a side of his husband that he rarely sees. 

It even once crossed his mind to intentionally make Chanyeol jealous just to see his husband all over him again, but Baekhyun never did because he’s never hurt his husband on purpose.

He never will.

It was cute because of his husband’s antics and because it was harmless—even Baekhyun has his fair share of being jealous of Chanyeol's colleagues and admirers but jealousy is something they have never fought about in those six years they've been together. 

Not like this; not like his husband’s issue with Hyeran that makes him refuse to talk to Baekhyun until morning.

Baekhyun looks at Hyeran and almost considers telling her that most of their arguments involve her, but decides not to because Hyeran has nothing to do with their relationship. Chanyeol is just being childish and he really couldn’t understand why.

Instead, Baekhyun tells her something he himself has never expected to say.

“You’re divorced, right?”

Baekhyun stares at the bump on Hyeran’s stomach and it disgusts and saddens him at the same time. The baby will grow up without a father.

Her ex-husband should at least take responsibility for the baby financially.

“When did you know that your marriage is over?”

He only realizes the weight of his words after they have rolled off his tongue.

Ah, there it is: the suppressed frustrations and the bottled feelings.

How ironic that he is opening up to the person his husband tells him to avoid as much as possible.

“Baek…” Hyeran looks at him with something in her eyes that Baekhyun couldn’t quite figure out. “Oh my gosh, what happened?”

It was strange. Hyeran’s tone sounded so worried yet her eyes looked like they held a glint of excitement in them.

Baekhyun ignores it. Maybe his husband is rubbing off of him; he is also imagining things now.

He shakes his head. “Nothing, it’s just…” 

Hyeran waits for him to continue, Baekhyun isn’t sure if it is right to tell another person of his feelings first before his husband.

Baekhyun decides that he doesn’t have the energy to have another argument with his husband at home. It will surely hurt Chanyeol, and he doesn’t know the right words to say to console a husband who is angry at him for not knowing what to answer to his question last night.

He should probably sort his thoughts out first.

Perhaps Hyeran could help.

“Our relationship seems to be changing.” Baekhyun covers his face with his palms because if he doesn’t, he will break down right then and there after acknowledging the situation that he tried so hard to deny with himself. “It’s different from before.”

“Of course it would be.” Hyeran tells him. “You’ve been together for a long time. You can’t expect things to be the same as it was before.”

Baekhyun wishes that Hyeran didn’t hear the sob that escaped his mouth. “But I don’t think it benefits us. We rarely fight back then, but now we fight even over the most trivial things.”

He wasn’t exaggerating.

Their arguments became frequent ever since Hyeran came into the picture and sometimes Baekhyun regrets letting the two of them meet. He doesn’t understand because things have always been like that; it was like some kind of unspoken rule to introduce his friends to Chanyeol and vice versa and it hasn’t been a problem ever since because they tell each other everything.

Chanyeol even knows that his boss’s friend is engaged because he told him about it and Baekhyun knows that his husband’s coworker’s puppy just died last week because they know everything about each other like that.

And so it shouldn’t be a big deal when Baekhyun introduces Hyeran to Chanyeol as the woman recently became one of his closest friends after being transferred to their department because his husband knows all of his friends at work. He’s even met most of them and bonds with Jongdae and Taeyeon over video games at times. 

But somehow, Hyeran became a sensitive topic, mostly being the subject of an argument.

_ ‘What kind of friend texts you until midnight when you literally see each other everyday at work, Baek?’ _ is what Chanyeol always tells him whenever he catches Baekhyun replying to Hyeran’s messages on the phone and he doesn’t know what to do. 

He doesn’t want to seem rude by not replying, and so he stops telling his husband who texted him whenever he receives a message—especially if it’s from Hyeran—because he’s so tired of their endless bickering. Baekhyun just takes it as a sign to stop using his phone the moment Chanyeol asks.

Baekhyun only snaps out of his reverie when he hears Hyeran speak.

“Maybe you’re getting bored with your relationship. You know, the thrill and sparks and all that shit.” Hyeran taps her fingers on the desk as she shrugs. “Have you considered having a child?”

A child.

Even thinking of it feels taboo to Baekhyun.

They have once fantasized about being parents as a joke back then. They’ve imagined things like who’s going to be the strict parent who always wants the room clean and who would be the parent that overfeeds the child with ice cream and lets them get away with everything. They never took it seriously as they’re usually just side comments whenever they see children in the dramas or movies they watch.

Baekhyun has always wanted to be a parent. Hell, it was one of his dreams for Chanyeol to be the future father of his kids. He even told him this back in college, but he would never force Chanyeol into being someone he doesn’t want to become in the first place.

Chanyeol also made it clear back then that he doesn’t want a child.

“Chanyeol never wanted kids.” He answers, feeling his heart break a little at the statement. “He made it clear before we even started dating.”

“And that was what? Eight, nine years ago? He might have changed his mind by now.”

Baekhyun doesn’t know what to say. He never considered Chanyeol changing his mind about the topic because his husband has always been consistent with his outlook in life. 

Maybe Hyeran is right. Having a child could probably strengthen their relationship.

After all, what would be a better assurance than having your own family with your partner?

Baekhyun nods. 

“Alright. I’ll talk to him about it.”

  
  


**✨✨✨**

  
  


He drops Hyeran off at the bus station first before driving to the bakery to buy Chanyeol’s favorite cake. He initially thought of driving the pregnant woman home to make sure she’s safe, but his conscience was bugging him the whole time they were walking towards his car and he doesn’t even know why.

Baekhyun feels like being torn between two things he couldn’t quite pinpoint.

He is not doing something wrong, but it somehow feels like he’s betraying the man waiting for him at home the more he spends time thinking of Hyeran’s safety.

Ah, maybe that was it. He is spending time with the person who causes most of their fights.

But Chanyeol has to understand. Hyeran is a friend.

His husband really should put a little more faith in him because Baekhyun is slowly getting offended every time they fight about Hyeran.

When Baekhyun comes home, he sees Chanyeol sleeping on the couch and his heart hurts at the sight.

His husband was waiting for him to come home while he even considered driving another person home.

After placing the cake on the glass table, Baekhyun walks towards his husband and plants a kiss on his forehead. 

He has a lot to make up to.

Hooking both of his hands under Chanyeol’s back and the back of his thighs, he carries him bridal to their room and notices the change in his husband’s weight.

Chanyeol is heavy; that’s a given because of his height and big frame. It’s usually hard for Baekhyun to carry him like this, but it now almost feels like his husband lost half of his weight as he carries him with unexpected ease.

Baekhyun fights back a sob as he gently places his husband down the bed, running a hand through his husband’s hair before leaning in and placing a kiss on the crown of his head.

“Oh god…” It was barely a whisper yet Baekhyun’s voice still cracked as his husband’s scent invaded his system. Chanyeol’s scent became unfamiliar to him even when he smells exactly like before and he realizes how much he misses his husband.

The presence that was once his home is slowly becoming unfamiliar to him and Baekhyun doesn’t know what to feel as it dawns upon him all at once. 

What have they become?

It feels like being on the edge of something that isn’t supposed to be there.

They were slowly losing touch and Baekhyun is forgetting how his husband’s hands felt in his.

Chanyeol stirs in his sleep and Baekhyun unconsciously reaches out for his husband’s left hand, right where he’s wearing his wedding ring.

He doesn’t want to forget. 

As he looks at his husband, Chanyeol feels so, so far despite being just inches away from Baekhyun—despite having his husband’s hand in his grasp.

“I—” 

_ I love you _ , is what Baekhyun wanted to say. But as Chanyeol’s eyelids slowly flutter open and the bags under his eyes become more prominent, he unknowingly bites his tongue back.

Baekhyun is not even sure if he still has the right to tell his husband that now.

Saying those three words to someone you have neglected so much without knowing seems disrespectful.

Chanyeol stares at him without saying anything, and Baekhyun’s conscience only swallows him whole as he couldn’t read his husband’s mind anymore like before.

He will fix this. They will fix this.

They will get through this.

Baekhyun remembers Hyeran’s suggestion.

“Let’s have a child.”

Chanyeol slowly turns his back on him and Baekhyun starts explaining as he gently pulls his husband back to face him again.

“Yeol, look.” Baekhyun sighs as he takes his husband’s hand again, softly kissing his knuckles. “Whatever this is that’s happening between us, we’re obviously not okay, and maybe—maybe time is taking its toll on our marriage.”

His husband stays silent, waiting for Baekhyun to continue.

“And I thought… Maybe having a family—a child—could strengthen our relationship again.”

Chanyeol laughs as if Baekhyun said something so ridiculous and the latter feels his chest constrict. He has never heard Chanyeol sound like this in all those years they have shared together and it scares Baekhyun that the man he knows like the back of his hand is slowly turning into a stranger.

It scares him so much, more than he’d ever like to admit.

“This… whatever this is between us,” It was sarcastic, but Baekhyun’s heart hurts at the implication of the mess they have become. “Is this not a family to you? Am I not a family to you?”

Baekhyun panics as his heart now hurts for his husband.

“No, baby, I don’t mean it like that—”

“You want another relationship to handle when you can’t even fix your relationship with your husband.”

He opens his mouth only to close it again.

Chanyeol was right. It was a cowardly move, covering up a situation with a bigger one and hoping that the problem will just be forgotten in time instead of fixing it.

But the bigger problem is, Baekhyun doesn’t even know what to fix—he doesn’t even know what their problem is.

If it were really just time taking its toll on their relationship, then it’s… inevitable.

There is nothing to fix.

But there should be. Baekhyun feels like there should be because his relationship with his husband isn’t getting any better and he just wants them to get past this.

He misses his husband so much.

Where did they even go wrong?

“Chanyeollie…” 

Baekhyun calls out for his husband and it sounded like a silent prayer and a distant memory at the same time. 

“What happened to us?”

He doesn’t know what to do.

“I should be asking you that, Baek.”

Baekhyun hates what he’s seeing. He hates seeing his husband cry but he can’t even wipe his tears away because he knows he’s the reason behind them and it hurts so much to just watch Chanyeol cradling his head in his hands as if seeing Baekhyun only hurts him more.

Baekhyun hates that he feels so,  _ so  _ lost in the presence of his  _ home _ .

Chanyeol raises his head and looks at Baekhyun with his tear-stained eyes.

“What happened to  _ you _ ?”

Baekhyun’s hand twitches as he watches his husband angrily wiping the tears falling down his cheeks with the back of his hand. 

That should be his job. That should’ve been him wiping those tears away.

“Do you like Hyeran that much that you’re so willing to let us fall apart instead of removing her in your life?”

Baekhyun sighs at his husband’s outburst. Are they seriously fighting about her again?

“Fuck, Yeol, again?” Exhaling a shaky breath, he forces himself to calm down. Chanyeol is crying. Getting angry won’t help. “What does she have to do with any of this, really—”

“Because she is our problem!” Chanyeol shouts, fists shaking in anger as if he was holding it in for too long and is still trying to do so until now. “I fucking swear, Baekhyun, she’s going to ruin what little is left of our relationship if you still let her cling to you like she’s your other lover.”

Baekhyun shakes his head. He couldn’t believe what his husband was saying. He knows that Chanyeol is doubting him, has even implied it once, but to actually hear it in words that Chanyeol thinks he’s cheating on him only made Baekhyun angrier.

Chanyeol doesn’t trust him.

“What are you even saying? She’s a friend, Yeol!” Baekhyun raises his voice out of frustration. His partner of six years doesn’t trust him enough to let go of this issue. “You weren’t like this before, what happened to you?”

Before Chanyeol could even answer, Baekhyun spoke again.

“Ah, is this because my brother cheated on you that you think I’ll do the same?”

A wrong move. Baekhyun knows he shouldn’t have said that because it has always been a sensitive topic to Chanyeol, but that is what makes him mad about it.

If Chanyeol has moved on from his brother, then why is he still affected by it?

His husband looks offended. “Wow, Baekhyun—”

“Why do I have to suffer the consequences of the things I didn’t even do?”

After more than six years, Baekhyun finally lets it out.

“You…” Baekhyun sighs as the tears he tried to keep at bay starts flowing down his cheeks. “You wanted me to be the keeper of your broken things… and I did, because I can love you that much—because I can love you that much I’m willing to hold every part of you.”

The first time it happened was when Baekhyun came home at almost midnight.

The traffic was heavy that night, and Baekhyun was unable to reply to Chanyeol’s messages as he accidentally slept throughout the whole commute. They were still in college back then. Baekhyun has decided not to use his car anymore when he started dating Chanyeol as it was previously his brother’s. 

A little sacrifice for his boyfriend’s peace of mind. Not that Chanyeol knew anyway.

Baekhyun moved in with Chanyeol after a year of dating. He has always found his boyfriend’s place convenient as it was near the university, but it wasn’t until they were both in their last year of college that Chanyeol agreed to being his roommate because he knows Baekhyun will insist on splitting bills and he didn’t want that.

Chanyeol wanted to provide for Baekhyun if his boyfriend were to live with him, but the latter managed to convince him because the pay from his new part-time job will not really suffice for two mouths to feed.

Baekhyun wasn’t born rich, but at least he had his parents to support him financially back then unlike Chanyeol. He didn’t want to live off of him and be a burden.

When Baekhyun steps into their shared apartment that night, he is met with an anxious-looking Chanyeol.

He asked him what was wrong, and it took the whole night for Chanyeol to tell him what he truly feels—that he thought of Baekhyun leaving and disposing him like what his brother did.

It pained Baekhyun to be wrongly accused based on his brother’s doings, but he had let it slide, because it wouldn’t compare to the pain his brother gave Chanyeol.

Baekhyun once thought that Chanyeol doubting him was a one time thing since he has never failed in assuring his now-husband of how important he is to Baekhyun. He’s also never done anything that would make Chanyeol doubt him.

“But Chanyeol, I—”

Oh how wrong he was.

“—I’m not strong enough to carry around wars that don’t belong to me. At least not alone...” 

Baekhyun finally breaks into a sob because he was so tired of pretending everything is still okay. 

“I know I promised you won’t be alone; that I’d go through it with you. But I needed your help too, Yeol.”

Chanyeol isn’t questioning his every move and he was very grateful for that because he knows how hard it must be for his husband. But everytime he doubts Baekhyun, he has a hard time getting over it. Chanyeol’s words cut deep most of the time, but he has always thought that it’s okay.

It wasn’t Chanyeol’s fault that it was hard for him to trust a person anymore, so it’s okay, even if it pains Baekhyun to face the consequences of the actions that weren’t his.

It’s okay, because Baekhyun knows there is something in that pain that was worth it.

(And it’s Chanyeol.)

His husband extends a hand towards him, contemplating if he should touch Baekhyun as if he’d break more the moment his fingers brush against his husband’s face.

“Love… I-I didn’t know… I’m sorry...”

But Baekhyun—he has been patient with his husband for years and he finally admits not only to himself but also to Chanyeol that he’s tired of the lingering ghost of his husband’s past and Baekhyun feels so empty that wants to scream because—

Because how do you love now in times like these?

“Why can’t you trust me, Yeol?” Baekhyun takes the hand nearing his face and holds tight on it because it somehow feels like this would be the last time. “Why can’t you trust me just this once and let this fucking issue go?”

His husband closes his eyes shut and shakes his head.

“Because… the way you look at Hyeran—” 

Chanyeol chokes on a sob as if the next words he’s going to say will break him to the core.

“—that’s exactly how you look at me back then.”

Baekhyun’s silence was deafening. 

Chanyeol stands up from the bed only to fall on his knees on the floor while Baekhyun only stands there looking more distant than ever. He hates the look on his husband’s face— Chanyeol hates how Baekhyun looks like he’s realizing something instead of feeling accused.

Chanyeol hates how Baekhyun doesn’t lie to him when he needs him to.

“What happens now, Baekhyun?” He asks without wanting to hear the answer. “You still won’t even try to defend yourself?”

He hates it; Chanyeol hates everything that is happening between them and he hates that he doesn’t even know who to blame.

Chanyeol hates it so fucking much that he couldn’t even blame Baekhyun for liking someone else because the voices in his head say it was his fault for not being enough that his husband looked for the things he lacks of in another person.

“I’m sorry, Yeol.”

Baekhyun’s apology was what made Chanyeol reach his breaking point.

“No, Baekhyun!” He looks like a mess in front of his husband; he was screaming with his face wet with sweat and tears—the exact situation Baekhyun promised him he’ll never put him into. “I don’t need an apology! I need you to tell me I am wrong!”

The fact that Baekhyun never went to his side to hold him and wipe his tears away like he normally does should have been enough of an indication that he was right.

Oh how Chanyeol wishes he was never right.

“If… If I were to make you choose between me and her,” Chanyeol hopes he still sounds coherent because he doesn’t know if he could ever repeat what he’s about to say.

“Y-You’d choose me, right?”

Baekhyun closes his eyes as he shakes his head and Chanyeol prays so hard that it wasn’t his husband’s answer.

“You don’t deserve to be one of the options, Chanyeol.” 

He momentarily forgets that Baekhyun is crying as well, but he can’t get himself to wipe those tears away.

Not when his heart aches for the man who is breaking his heart too.

“You deserve to be the only choice.”

HIs husband’s answer reminded Chanyeol that he isn’t new to heartbreaks.

He has had his heart broken ever since he was young. It was his parents who first broke his heart, whoever they may be, he had no idea as he grew up in an orphanage and the only thing he knows is that he was left to die somewhere on the street in a cardboard box and fortunately, the orphanage’s security guard sees him on his way to work and brings Chanyeol with him.

It was the first crack in his heart—that his parents didn’t choose him as their son.

Chanyeol spent his teenage years at the orphanage. No one wanted to adopt him; most of the couples looking for a child wanted a newborn that he once wondered why he wasn’t adopted when he was that age, and some of them wanted daughters.

He had to leave the orphanage when he turned eighteen. Chanyeol was never chosen among the kids he grew up with who were eventually adopted one by one.

Another crack. Chanyeol had to leave the place he called home because he doesn't even belong there to begin with.

He had Baekbeom too, the man who he had thought to be his refuge after trying to go home his whole life.

But in the end, Chanyeol should have known that he is someday bound to leave his home. It was his fate—to be just another option.

Really, Chanyeol should have, but he couldn’t accept the fact that he might actually end up experiencing the same pain with Baekhyun.

If Baekhyun leaves him, he wouldn’t just be another crack in Chanyeol’s heart. He will break him into pieces.

“T-then please—”

And Chanyeol will always long for Baekhyun with all the broken fragments of what used to be his heart.

“—make me your only choice, Baek.”

Chanyeol isn’t new to heartbreaks, but this pain is new to him that it physically hurts. 

It’s not just a sting in his chest. The pain creeps up from his ribs to his shoulders. Then it feels as if being punched in the gut but the pain shoots up straight to his jaws he can feel it ringing in his ears. He can’t even move his neck now because it hurts so much.

Chanyeol couldn’t talk. It felt like having something sitting in his heart that is wanting to come out of his mouth but all he can do is clutch on his stomach with his numbing hands.

He was so scared of everything that was happening; Chanyeol thought for a moment he really might die from the pain he’s feeling.

Baekhyun notices his husband trembling and it was the only time he quickly rushed to his side.

“Chanyeol—h-hey—baby, breathe with me okay?”

Chanyeol was losing the color in his face and so Baekhyun placed a finger under his nose.

He wasn’t breathing.

“Fuck—Yeol—breathe with me please?” He cradles Chanyeol’s face with one hand while the other rubs on his husband’s back. “Can you hear me? Follow my voice, okay? Inhale…”

Baekhyun gently pushes a hand against Chanyeol’s chest, and does the same on his back seconds after. “Exhale…”

He was panicking and his mind was going blank, but Baekhyun managed to keep on doing the same thing over and over until he could feel Chanyeol finally breathing on his own.

“T-that’s it, good job, Yeol.” Baekhyun envelopes him with his arms and holds on to him tightly. “You did well. You did so well, baby.”

Chanyeol lifts his gaze up to him, looking disoriented. “Baekhyun—”

“Shh.” Baekhyun plants a kiss on his husband’s lips which he quickly regrets after. He doesn't want to lead Chanyeol on anymore when he can’t even understand his own feelings. “Tomorrow, okay? We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

He guides Chanyeol back to the bed, wiping his face with the back of his hands and pulling the man to lie down with him. Chanyeol instantly wraps a hand around Baekhyun’s waist and buries his face on his husband’s chest despite being a head taller than him.

Baekhyun’s heart aches yet again. This is the man he loves—the man he was and still is willing to spend the rest of his life with, but he doesn’t understand why the other half of him is now yearning for another person’s warmth.

He closes his eyes and embraces his husband back.

Baekhyun prays to whoever is up there for tomorrow not to come.

  
  


**✨✨✨**

  
  


They never talked about it.

A week has passed since the night Chanyeol confronted his husband, and he was waiting for Baekhyun to bring the topic up again first thing in the morning. He would be lying to himself if he says that he’s prepared for it because he’s not; he will never be. God knows how much he dreaded waking up the next day but he knows there was no turning back from the mess they have become.

What he wasn’t expecting, however, was for Baekhyun to take a leave from work and spend the next few days spoiling him with everything he likes without clearing things up as if nothing happened between them.

Chanyeol woke up that morning with a flower lying next to him where Baekhyun was supposed to be. Where or how his husband managed to get that, he never bothered to know, not when the first thought that came to his mind was if the flower was truly for him or was he just being an outlet again for his husband’s affection towards  _ her _ .

He laughs as he remembers how Baekhyun’s kisses felt like they were tailored for another person.

(For Hyeran.)

He was met with the sight of his husband cooking in the kitchen as he stepped out of their room with the flower at hand. Baekhyun smiles at him and tells him to eat that Chanyeol wonders if everything that happened the night before was only a dream.

But the reflection of his face on the mirror tells him it wasn’t.

Chanyeol places the flower on the table as he takes a seat, then pushes it towards Baekhyun who is sitting in front of him.

“Take it.”

Baekhyun frowns before pushing the flower back and putting Chanyeol’s hand on top of it. “But I bought it for you. You don’t like daffodils anymore?”

Chanyeol wants to laugh and so he does, but it sounded more like a restrained cry.

He likes plumerias.

“I never liked them.” He smiles at his husband despite feeling the sting in his eyes again. “I didn’t even know that’s what a daffodil looks like.”

“Oh,” Baekhyun avoids his gaze as he blinks rapidly, probably thinking of how to change the topic. He takes a piece of bacon with his hand and attempts to feed Chanyeol. “H-here. I managed not to burn them this time.”

Chanyeol sighs and gently pushes Baekhyun’s hand away from him. He doesn’t know whether or not Baekhyun is trying to lighten up the mood before continuing their talk from last night, and if he is, then his husband is truly heartless for lifting him up just to drop him down the cold ground later.

“Baekhyun, you don’t have to do this, just get straight to it—”

“I missed you.”

Ah, his husband is truly heartless for knowing how to get him wrapped around his finger.

And Chanyeol is stupid for willingly allowing it to happen.

“Me too.”

It has been their setup for the whole week: Baekhyun spoiling him at home the moment he wakes up then takes him out on dates in the afternoon. Then when the night comes, his husband will cuddle him to sleep without talking about  _ that  _ night and the new routine continues.

It made Chanyeol restless, knowing something yet not knowing everything about his husband’s feelings. What is this that they are doing? As much as it breaks him to admit, Baekhyun likes someone else now, so what is this game he’s playing with Chanyeol?

Chanyeol couldn’t appreciate his husband’s efforts for the past few days because he’s afraid of the reason behind all those. 

Is this charity work for Baekhyun? Were they all done out of guilt—of pity and conscience—because he was doing what his brother did to Chanyeol?

It crosses his mind for a moment that maybe he was exaggerating. Baekhyun did not cheat on him intentionally—hell, his husband wouldn’t even realize his feelings if Chanyeol didn’t tell him. It wasn’t like they were doing things beyond texting and falling in love behind his back, right?

Baekhyun is not like that and he knows this because he is his husband. He will never hurt anyone intentionally, especially not Chanyeol.

Chanyeol wants to punch himself in the face. Is he really tolerating his husband’s affair as long as they weren’t having sex?

He wants to laugh at the person he has become, justifying cheating because it wasn’t done on purpose—just because it’s Baekhyun. But then, it’s hard not to.

His husband is the kindest person he knows.

But he’s not the same as his husband. Intentionally or not, Chanyeol is still hurting. 

He needs answers now, and he will get it from Baekhyun even if it hurts his husband.

Running away isn’t going to fix anything; Chanyeol learned this the hard way. He had let the little things with Hyeran slide—the constant messaging and the woman’s clinginess that is getting offensive—just so he and Baekhyun wouldn't fight and Chanyeol later realized how wrong it was because it cost him his peace of mind.

After letting things slide to maintain their relationship, it slowly destroyed him on the inside.

It cost him his husband too, seeing how he had actually let Baekhyun stray from him by not keeping him close to his side just because he doesn’t want to make him feel suffocated.

They were lying on the bed in the same position they were in the night they argued when Chanyeol decided he'd had enough.

“Why are you doing this to me?”

Baekhyun’s hold became tighter, as if his husband would disappear within his grasp when in reality it was Chanyeol who was slowly losing him.

“I’m making it up to you.” Baekhyun’s tone was firm, yet Chanyeol noticed the lack of confidence in it. “I’m making things right.”

Chanyeol doesn’t think this was the right choice—that he was the right choice. 

“Are you?”

“I’m trying to.” His husband admits, not quite catching the other question lining Chanyeol’s reply. “Hugging you like this feels right. Being your husband feels right.”

He shakes his head with a little difficulty as Baekhyun is literally pushing Chanyeol’s head against his chest. “But that’s not what you want. I’m not what you want.”

“Baby—”

“What you want is a family. A child.” 

Chanyeol bites on his lower lip because he really doesn’t want to cry tonight over the same thing he’s cried about for days. He keeps on telling himself that it shouldn’t hurt that much by now. “A-and Hyeran can give you that. I can’t.” 

Every word uttered is like a knife stabbing his chest, but Chanyeol had to say it, because Baekhyun wouldn’t.

What his husband will feed him are lies, even maybe to himself; Baekhyun will comfort them both with a lie.

“I don’t want one if it’s not with you.” The kiss on the top of his head feels heavy. “We can fix this, Yeol. We’ll be okay. Let’s do that, hm?”

Just like that.

He wanted to believe Baekhyun’s words too. Chanyeol wanted to be fooled by his husband’s words as much as they were fooling Baekhyun himself. But he knows the man too well.

Six years of being together tends to do that for you. You’ll get to know your partner like the back of your hand. You’ll pick up on the little things they do. On their habits. On their mannerisms. On how they look when they’re happy, sad, or angry.

Or when they’re falling out of love.

Chanyeol hates it that he knows Baekhyun a little too much.

And he hates it even more that Baekhyun knows too little of him because he believes Chanyeol when he nods.

“Okay.”

Baekhyun heaves a sigh of relief. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

Chanyeol hates himself the most for settling; for letting things slide yet again because he realizes it actually doesn’t matter as long as it’s him who Baekhyun goes home to everyday. 

It doesn’t matter if Baekhyun's heart is now owned by someone else because his mind is owned by Chanyeol. His husband thinks he belongs with him—to him. He thinks Chanyeol is the right choice.

Chanyeol hates it that he’s willing to turn a blind eye  as Baekhyun cheats because he knows he'll never be able to give him children.

  
  


**✨✨✨**

  
  


“Chanyeol.”

The said man finds himself frozen as he opens the front door. He knows his knuckles are turning white from gripping the doorknob too hard and he also knows that he probably looked like he has seen a ghost, but Chanyeol couldn’t find it in himself to care even if the person in front of him is currently laughing at the look on his face.

He didn’t bother attempting to look composed anymore, not when the universe is probably laughing at him too—at how foolish Chanyeol is to have faith in the happiness that will eventually be taken away from him.

Just as Chanyeol thought everything was going to be okay since yesterday, the demise of his hopes and dreams stands before him.

“Hyeran.”

The woman chuckles again. “Relax. You look like I’m about to kill you.”

Chanyeol thinks for a moment that killing him would’ve been better than taking his husband away from him, because at least in that way, the blame would be on Hyeran. He will have someone to blame for what will happen to him.

But this... Chanyeol doesn’t know who to blame for all this mess. It wasn’t Baekhyun’s fault for falling in love with someone probably a hundred times better than him. It wasn’t Hyeran’s fault for having everything he lacked that made Baekhyun fall for him.

Chanyeol wanted to think that it isn’t his fault either because he’s the victim here, but seeing Hyeran in front of him with that bump on her stomach—that one thing Baekhyun wanted so much that he couldn’t give—is slowly making him convinced that it’s his fault for not providing his husband’s needs.

Baekhyun wasn’t asking for a miracle, after all. He wasn’t asking for Chanyeol to be pregnant. His husband just wanted a family with him—a child to raise as their own.

His husband only wanted to be a father.

The voice in his head is back again and it’s much louder and more intrusive than before.

_ It’s your fault. You have no one to blame but yourself. _

_ It’s your fault that you can’t give what your husband wants.  _

_ Baekhyun is leaving you because you don’t love him enough to compromise that stupid mindset of yours. Your husband is sick of always having to put your wants first before his. _

_ It’s your fault. _

_ It’s your fault. _

_ It’s your— _

“Chanyeol? You’re not gonna let me in?”

Chanyeol breaks out of his reverie when he hears his name. He was panting, and he could feel his knees buckling and so he quickly leans his weight on the door before Hyeran notices.

It’s a good thing Baekhyun is at work today. It would be too rude to decline Hyeran if ever, but then Chanyeol most likely wouldn’t stand seeing them together in the same place at the same time.

It would hurt too much.

“A-ah, sure, come in.” He steps aside and lets the woman enter, then he points towards the kitchen with his hand. “Sorry, we don’t have a living room. I have to use the bathroom, feel free to get some water if you want.”

Before Hyeran could even answer, Chanyeol almost sprinted to the bathroom and closed the door a little harder than intended. He didn’t even seem to notice the loud bang as he quickly splashed his face with water.

What was that?

The voice in his head… was it really talking to him earlier?

And why is Hyeran here? What more does she want than his husband?

_ She wants your place. _

“Ah!”

Chanyeol stumbles back towards the corner of the bathroom door as he hears it again.

Hyeran seems to have heard him as she shouts from the kitchen. “Hey, Chanyeol? Are you alright?”

Chanyeol looks at his reflection in the mirror before replying. “Yeah, I’m okay!”

_ That’s why she’s stealing your husband, because you’re always okay with everything. _

He shakes his head repeatedly. What the hell was that? 

Those are not his own thoughts. He doesn’t even think of the situation that way!

Chanyeol tries to speak.

“She… she didn’t steal Baekhyun…” He must be going insane, talking to himself like this and defending his husband’s other lover. “Baekhyun—he assured me he’s all mine.”

Chanyeol could not believe his ears as he heard an answer.

_ Legally, he's yours. But who knows? Sooner or later, maybe he won't be anymore. _

He rushes out of the bathroom, taking large strides towards the kitchen as he attempts to drown the voice out with his slippers dragging across the floor.

What the hell is wrong with him?

Chanyeol fakes a smile as he takes the seat in front of Hyeran.

“Sorry, did I take too long?”

“No, it’s okay.” The woman shakes her head reassuringly and smiles back. “I’m sorry for suddenly going here, but I really need to talk to you. Alone.”

Chanyeol wants to scream.

He wants to shout at the woman’s face that he doesn’t want to talk to her and even see her face because she reminds him of how much he failed as Baekhyun’s husband. He wants to tell her that he, too, knows that she won—that he realizes now her intentions behind those constant messages and her unnecessary clinginess towards his husband and it all worked.

He wants to scream at the audacity of the woman in front of him to smile at him as if she’s not involved in this mess, but all Chanyeol did was to fake a smile, because it might be one of the reasons why Baekhyun fell for her; she was always smiling.

Chanyeol can do that too.

_ Copying her, really? You’re stooping that low, huh? _

He ignores the voice in his head.

_ Come on. You can do better than that. We have to win our husband back. _

“Baekhyun is mine.”

They were both shocked at the statement; Hyeran at the sudden possessiveness and Chanyeol as he realizes he said that out loud. It was meant to be a reply to the voice in his head, but he didn’t bother to take it back. 

Why would he? It’s the truth, and Hyeran looks like she has to hear that coming from Chanyeol’s mouth too.

Baekhyun is his. The wedding ring on his finger should be enough for her to know her place.

Just because she’s the one who Baekhyun wants now that doesn’t mean Chanyeol will easily give up on their marriage.

Not when Baekhyun was the one who insisted on making things right.

“I know, Chanyeol.” Hyeran says, and her eyes are focused on the ring on Chanyeol’s finger. “That’s why I’m here.”

_ Hey, Baekhyun is mine too. I am you. I am not your enemy. The only person here who doesn’t own Baekhyun is that bitch in front of us. _

The voice was right. He shouldn’t be threatened by her because she is only a friend to Baekhyun. That’s what his husband always says. 

She is nothing but a friend.

“What do you want?” Chanyeol stops trying to be polite. He wonders why he even tried to in the first place. 

He has every right to be hostile towards her. That’s his husband’s mistress, for fuck’s sake.

“I…” Hyeran looks apologetic. It almost made Chanyeol feel like shit. “I need you to leave him.”

Chanyeol unconsciously clenches both of his fists and the voice inside his head becomes louder than ever.

_ Don’t tell me you’ll listen to her. Baekhyun is ours. _

_ Or maybe you will. Because you’re weak and stupid. That’s why Baekhyun doesn’t love you anymore. _

_ Look at that baby bump. That’s what our Baekhyunnie wants, isn’t it? She looks like going into labor anytime soon. She could easily fulfill Baekhyun’s wish fast— _

“No.” Chanyeol closes his eyes. His head is a mess, but he’s not going to back down just because a voice is irritating the shit out of him and his husband’s new lover asked him to.

He’s going to fight for their marriage. Chanyeol is not going to let that six years go down the drain.

“What makes you think you have the right to say that?” Chanyeol is fuming, but he was forcing himself to calm down because no matter how painful it is to see her, he doesn’t want to hit a woman. “For someone who’s ruining her friend’s marriage, you’re a bit ambitious.”

Chanyeol prays for the voice inside his head to not appear again because he realizes he also wants to talk about this with Hyeran. 

They have to clear things up; that Chanyeol is and will always be Baekhyun’s husband and Hyeran is nothing but a mistake.

“Chanyeol, I know I was wrong. I know I shouldn’t have let myself fall for a married man. And I wanted to make things right. Really, I wasn’t planning on pursuing Baekhyun anymore. But…”

Hyeran puts a hand over her stomach.

No.

No. That’s not what he thinks it is.

Chanyeol feels his breath hitching.

No.

“...it wouldn’t be fair to my baby. She did nothing wrong. I—” Hyeran bites on her lip as a tear escapes her eye. “I can’t let her grow up without a father. His father.”

Please, no...

Chanyeol waits for the voice inside his head to speak again; to curse at her, to insult him, or even just to wreak havoc at the revelation—anything, because his mind is going blank right now and he just wants someone to be with him through this even if it’s just the voice in his head.

But there was nothing.

He has no one by his side anymore. Not his husband, and not even the voice inside his head.

Chanyeol wants to cry. He feels so,  _ so  _ alone.

No. Baekhyun wouldn’t do that to him. Hyeran looks like she’s on her last month; Baekhyun wouldn’t lie to him for nine months if he really—

Fuck. Chanyeol can’t even say it in his mind.

That’s not true. No. Baekhyun will never touch anyone that’s not him.

He trusts his husband because that’s how relationships are, right? He should only believe Baekhyun’s words.

And Baekhyun tells him that he is solely Chanyeol’s.

“That thing is not Baekhyun’s.” Chanyeol wanted to sound confident yet the crack in his voice betrays him. “Go ruin someone else’s marriage, Hyeran. Get out of here before I call the guards to drag you out.”

Hyeran is now crying. It angered Chanyeol even more.

“Do you remember that time you two fought and he didn’t go home that night?”

Chanyeol closes his eyes and tries to make the voice in his head come back just to drown Hyeran’s words out. No. He doesn’t want to listen to what she is going to say because he knows what’s about to come next.

“Baekhyun was at my house that night. He was drunk and crying and I—” 

Hyeran’s sobs became louder. Chanyeol just wanted her to stop talking. 

“—I’m sorry, Chanyeol. I was just another person in love too.”

He remembers what she’s talking about. They were fighting about Hyeran that time too. Baekhyun told him the morning he came home that he stayed with Jongdae.

Chanyeol wants to laugh at himself. So that was why Baekhyun looked so restless when he shouldn’t be if he really slept at Jongdae’s because that’s his best friend.

God, why is he never anyone’s only choice?

Why is he so lost again? Chanyeol really thought he’d have more time before losing his home again—no, he had thought that it was here to stay this time. 

How will he get through this? How is he supposed to accept the fact that his husband kissed someone else? Held someone else?

That their mistake gave them a child—something that Baekhyun badly wanted to have?

How will he fix everything with his husband now?

Hyeran not only has his husband’s heart, but she now has something that can fulfill Baekhyun’s dream too.

While the only thing Chanyeol has is his surname that he shares with his husband.

It was indeed a losing battle because the only sword he has is Baekhyun’s empty promises.

“Chanyeol… please…”

He has yet to fully accept the existence of the child, and yet he has to make a decision now.

Chanyeol doesn’t know what to do. 

_ You do know what to do. _

Fuck.

He couldn’t believe that he almost cried in relief that the voice is now back inside his head.

It knows what to do. He only has to listen. He still has the chance to win Baekhyun back.

“What do you want me to do?” Chanyeol asks the voice in his head, again forgetting that the woman in front of him will think the question was for her.

Hyeran sighs in relief just as the voice inside Chanyeol’s head speaks again.

_ Baekhyun wouldn’t want her anymore if she doesn’t have what he wants, right? _

“Let me know when he comes home.” Hyeran pleads, even going as far as holding Chanyeol’s hand. “He’s been avoiding my calls all week, he didn’t even go to work. I don’t think he remembers what happened that night because he was calling out your name as we…”

Hope blooms within Chanyeol’s chest despite the blatant admission of what has happened between her and Baekhyun.

Then was it truly a mistake? Did Baekhyun keep it a secret from him because it was just a mistake?

But Baekhyun ended up falling for Hyeran. Maybe his husband wouldn’t see this as a mistake now when he finds out—

_ Shut up. It doesn’t matter, Chanyeol. We will get back what’s ours. _

“He has to know, Chanyeol, please help me.”

_ Get rid of the baby. _

Chanyeol speaks after what felt like a minute.

Yes, he tells himself, it doesn’t matter.

“Okay.” Baekhyun is his. And he will get him back no matter what it takes. “I will.”

Hyeran cries again as she stutters out a  _ thank you  _ while Chanyeol stands up to go to her side and rubs her back in a comforting manner. He can feel his palm burning with every stroke; the idea that his husband’s hands might have also touched the part he’s touching now ignites something within Chanyeol.

And it’s not only the sting of betrayal from his husband’s adultery.

It was the desire to make sure it won’t happen again.

Minutes later, Hyeran seems to be calming down and Chanyeol takes that opportunity to walk towards the kitchen sink and retrieve something from the cupboard. When Hyeran starts to talk again, he quickly hides the thing on his hand behind his back and smiles at her.

“I’ll go now, Chanyeol. I’ve caused you so much trouble.” 

Hyeran laughs, tone laced with guilt instead of humor and he pities her for a moment because that might be her last laugh and it didn’t even sound happy.

“Sure.” He nods. “I think you can see yourself out on your own, yes?”

The woman takes Chanyeol’s attitude as bitterness, and she smiles as she completely understands his hostility towards her although he had offered to help her. The man shouldn’t even have been so polite to let her in and hear her out to begin with.

Hyeran thinks Baekhyun married a great man, and she tells him that.

“You’re a great man, Chanyeol.” She smiles again, and Chanyeol can hear the sincerity in her voice. “I’m sorry you had to go through this.”

Bullshit, Chanyeol thinks, because he should be the one telling her that soon.

Hyeran turns her back on him. As she walks towards the door, Chanyeol slowly pulls his hand from his back and smirks at the thing sitting heavy on his hand.

Today seems like a good time to find out if he knows how to use a gun.

Chanyeol remembers how he freaked out the first time he saw the handgun lying around the kitchen table. Baekhyun quickly explained that time that his father told him a house should have a gun in case of emergencies. 

He remembers joking about it, telling his husband that a first aid kit is what should be prepared in times of emergencies and not a gun, and Baekhyun didn’t even listen to his joke and teaches him what it’s called, how to handle it properly and such, but those are what he couldn’t quite recall as he didn’t really bother to know how to use it; he had never thought that he’ll someday have a use for it.

Chanyeol pulls back the slide, doing what he remembers Baekhyun teaching him that day, and aims for Hyeran’s head. He isn’t even sure if his measurements are going to be accurate, but it doesn’t matter. 

A pregnant woman is always at a higher risk.

Baekhyun told him he wants Chanyeol to be a constant part of his life last night—the exact same sentence he once found on Baekhyun’s phone that was sent to Hyeran.

He will make his husband understand today that what he wants is impossible. He can only want—have—one thing; the other one will have to be removed.

And it’s not going to be Chanyeol.

As Hyeran nears the exit, he hears Baekhyun’s voice from outside the house.

“Yeollie, I’m home!”

The door opens, and Baekhyun’s eyes met Hyeran’s.

“Baek—”

Chanyeol pulls the trigger.

  
  


**✨✨✨**

  
  


“No! I killed her! You should be taking me—I killed Ji Hyeran!”

Chanyeol knows he is causing a scene in the station. Two policemen are holding him on both of his arms, telling him to calm down, yet he continues to thrash with his feet as he screams at the woman on the front desk.

“Sir, you need to be in the hospital now—”

“My husband has nothing to do with this!” Chanyeol shouts at the man holding his left arm. “I killed her! Do you hear me? I fucking killed her with that gun!”

He stops kicking on the desk and kneels on the floor instead.

“Please…” Chanyeol begs as tears stream down his cheeks. He doesn’t know where they took Baekhyun. His poor husband must be so scared right now. “P-please let him go…”

“Sir, let me break things down for you.” the woman on the desk sighs. “The investigation is still ongoing, but the evidence found at the scene is pointing right at your husband. The gun has his fingerprints and not yours. His last message to her says he’ll get rid of her if she won’t disappear from his life. Do you understand, sir?”

Chanyeol shakes his head. They’re wrong. He knows because he’s the one who pulled the trigger.

Despite the shock from seeing the woman of his interest getting shot from the back, Baekhyun quickly went to his side first that time. Chanyeol remembers being frozen in place, desperately seeking for the voice inside his head to ask for reassurance but it never appeared again until now.

Baekhyun was doing all the work that time. He dragged Chanyeol to the sink and scrubbed his hands until they turned red, wiped the gun clean with something he couldn’t quite remember as he was also consumed by the shock of potentially killing a person himself, and gripped on it tightly with his right hand as he reached for his phone to call the cops on his other one and turn himself in.

Chanyeol feels nauseous at the memory. 

So was that why his husband never let go of the gun?

To save him?

“You aren’t even acquainted with Ms. Ji.” The woman continues. “We can’t have you as a suspect. Please go to the hospital now, they have asked for you.”

“You are all so stupid!”

Chanyeol is once again being dragged out of the office by the policemen and he didn’t resist this time. He doesn’t have the energy to do so. He has a lot to take in.

His husband is cheating on him. His husband is a father to someone else’s child. He just killed a person.

He just wants to see Baekhyun and know if he’s okay.

When Chanyeol was forcefully pushed out of the station, he caught sight of his husband in one of the police cars parked haphazardly on the side. He runs towards the car, almost tripping on his feet on the way there, and pounds violently on the window with his fists.

“Baekhyun! Baekhyun! Get out of there, please…” He was half-crying and half-screaming, his fists were also hurting but he couldn’t care less. His heart was hurting more. “You shouldn’t be there, Baek—”

The window rolls down and he sees his husband sitting between two policemen with his hand cuffed. The man on Baekhyun’s right side calls for men to probably drag Chanyeol away again and he panicked even more.

“Park Baekhyun, tell them the truth right now—tell them you’re innocent! Fuck, Baek—” Chanyeol was speaking so fast he isn’t sure if he’s still making sense. “You’re not supposed to be in there!”

Baekhyun only smiles at him.

“I’m sorry I have to leave you alone for now, love.” A tear escaped his husband’s left eye. “It might take me years, but I promise I’ll be back, Chanyeollie. Wait for me, okay?”

Chanyeol could only shake his head.

“No! You’re not going anywhere—”

The two policemen from earlier are back on his sides again, both of them pulling him away from the car by his arms. Chanyeol’s voice gets louder as the car starts to move away.

“No! Bring me my husband back! Take me instead!”

“Sir, you need to be with Ms. Ji at the hospital now—”

“I don’t fucking care about that bitch!” Chanyeol spits out at the man gripping on his right arm. “Bring me my husband back!”

“Mr. Park—”

It all happened too fast.

One moment he was pulling a gun from the policeman’s back pocket after managing to kick his calf and aiming the gun on the car’s tire to stop them from leaving.

But then the next thing he sees is the car turned upside down as a truck from the other side collided with it.

Chanyeol realizes then that he missed his target as the two men push him down to kneel on the ground and cuffs both of his hands.

“B-baekhyunnie…? N-no…”

He blinks at the scene in front of him, his mind declining to register the fact that he is seeing his husband being put in a stretcher with blood on his head and that it’s because of him.

Chanyeol runs towards the ambulance, not even noticing that the two policemen let him leave, and he begs at the man currently closing the door.

“I-I’m his husband.” He says with difficulty as he chokes on a sob. “Please l-let me go with him.”

As Chanyeol settles on the seat beside the makeshift bed, he reaches out for one of Baekhyun’s hands, crying as he whispers a string of apology to his unconscious husband who is stained with blood on every part of him.

“D-don’t leave me, Baek, please—you p-promised me you’ll come back...”

Chanyeol drowns out the sound of the ecg monitor going unstable with his silent prayers.

This is all his fault now.

He’s holding onto yet another empty promise of his husband and he is now the only one to blame.

  
  


  
**✨✨✨**

  
  


_ “Ji Hyeran. Time of death: 7:45pm.” _

_ “We managed to save the baby. Ms. Ji’s last words were to make you and your husband the legal guardians of the baby if she wouldn’t survive. She told us it was both her gift and apology to the both of you.” _

_ “Park Baekhyun. Dead on arrival. Time of death: 9:32pm.” _

_ “We did everything we could. We are sorry for your loss.” _

_ “Mr. Park, you have to calm down—” _

Chanyeol wakes up to the sound of the baby crying from the bedroom. He pushes himself up with one hand from the blood-stained floor. Whether he had only accidentally fallen asleep or he passed out, Chanyeol doesn’t know and he doesn’t think about it as he walks towards the bedroom he once shared with his husband.

He was supposed to turn the doorknob open when he realized he was holding something in his hand.

Right, the other gun he found on the bookshelf is in his hand again.

He didn’t bother putting it back before entering the bedroom.

It has been a week since, and Chanyeol still doesn’t know what to do.

His in-laws had been calling him for the past few days, sending him messages regarding Baekhyun’s funeral saying it was not his fault, that he should be the one leading the ceremony, that his presence might be the last thing Baekhyun wants before leaving this world because he is his husband. 

Even Baekbeom contacted him this time after all these years only to tell him that his brother deserves a proper goodbye from his husband.

Chanyeol thinks it’s bullshit. Baekhyun is gone—he has been for a few days now. His husband has long left this world and he’s an asshole for not taking Chanyeol with him.

Now he has to survive alone with the living proof of his husband’s betrayal.

Chanyeol thinks that the world his husband left him in is so unfair.

On most days, Chanyeol blames himself for his husband’s death. He blames himself for not listening to Baekhyun when he was teaching him how to use a gun right. For killing his husband’s other lover. For listening to the voice inside his head. 

For not choosing to let go of Baekhyun instead of losing him. Literally.

It has been a week since, and so Chanyeol is slowly getting numb by now. Or maybe this is temporary—maybe this is him still being in denial with the fact that Baekhyun is really gone. But for now, the only thing that hurts is not being in his husband’s embrace right now. 

After all, it always hurts when Baekhyun doesn’t touch him and it hurts more than knowing his husband once touched someone else that is not him.

He wanted to forget—to forgive, because it hurts Chanyeol more that he couldn’t love his husband now the way he did before. He should’ve let things slide.

He should’ve continued turning a blind eye, because maybe if he did, maybe he could still see his husband now.

The baby cries again. This time, Chanyeol cries with her.

He kneels beside the bed right where he can see the baby up close. The baby stops crying when he sees him, and Chanyeol’s heart instantly aches as he locks eyes with the baby.

This child might have been Hyeran’s, but Chanyeol couldn’t help but think that she could’ve been his and Baekhyun’s too.

Chanyeol imagines what it would've been like if Baekhyun was alive.

He probably wouldn’t tell Baekhyun that the child is actually his, but Chanyeol would’ve been okay with adopting the child. He would’ve been okay with her taking Chanyeol’s surname too. He would’ve been okay with raising the child as his own as long as Baekhyun is raising her with him.

Baekhyun would’ve made a really great father. Chanyeol realizes he now wants to see him as one, but it’s too late.

Chanyeol is the only one crying this time.

He misses the child’s father so much.

_ Why? It’s your fault he’s gone. Maybe this is what you really wanted so no one could have him if it’s not yours. _

He hears the voice inside his head again, the voice he desperately searched for after he’s done what he was told to do.

Chanyeol feels like being used by everyone around him—by Baekhyun for being his outlet for his affection towards someone else, by Hyeran for making him take care of her child that is not supposed to be existing in the first place, and even by himself for doing what he thinks will make him happy without thinking of the consequences in the long run.

The baby cries again and Chanyeol closes his eyes.

He knows he doesn’t deserve it, but he really just wants a moment of peace and quiet even just for a minute. He only needs a minute to fully register that it’s his responsibility to make the baby stop crying now for the rest of his life.

Fuck. He doesn’t know what to do anymore.

_ It’s your fault he’s gone. _

_ It’s your fault he’s gone. _

Chanyeol is so, so tired.

_ It’s your fault he’s gone. _

_ It’s your fault he’s gone. _

The baby’s loud cries are tiring enough. He just wants the voice inside his head to shut up.

_ It’s your fault he’s gone. _

_ It’s your fault he’s gone. _

He just wants it to stop talking.

_ It’s your fault he’s gone. _

_ It’s your fault he’s—  _

Chanyeol holds the gun on his temple as he stares straight at the baby’s eyes and pulls the trigger.

_ It’s your fault he’s gone... _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _toska_ \- a longing with nothing to long for.  
>  _forelsket_ \- the euphoria experienced as you begin to fall in love.  
>  _saudade_ \- the feeling of longing for an absent something or someone that you love but might never return.


End file.
